It is known household that a good leader is crucial to a country, but what about the qualities required to become one? I am convinced that the following ones are not to be ignored.
[第一句，我就没看懂，啥意思？ It is known household是个什么结构啊，你这里household是做名词吧？我最多能理解it is known as household。Household后面接的是个that引导的同位语从句么？我怎么找不到你主句的主谓宾呢？ Become one是啥意思？你这里的one是个代词啊还是个数词啊？我看着像代词，是代前面的household吗？我琢磨来琢磨去，觉得你这个household是名词，这就很糟糕，你的句子没主谓宾啊]
[审题方面：题目让你在国家，商务和学校这三个区域里面选择一个，然后来谈领导人的素质，你第一段也没交代清楚你选的是哪个方面，并且第一段有点短]
First of all, a caring heart for the [the去掉] people is of high importance. Leaders of the countries should consider themselves to be the servants[这里有句话可以告诉，我忘了是不是布什说的，to lead is to serve] of the mass and fully devoted in [见过devote to，没见过devote in]seeking a better life for everyone in their countries. It’s not hard to find that this is the common virtual when talking about the all time greatest leaders around the globe.[这个句子写的太难看了，换个别的吧] For example, our well respected Chinese leader Zhou Enlai, served as the Prime Minister of china during the 1950s, 60s and 70s, was such a leader. By visiting remote villages struggling in poverty no matter how far way [way去掉] they were, he was trying to figure out the way to lead them out of the difficulties; by joining the retired men and women doing morning exercises in the park, he understood what they were in need for; by going to the frontline of fighting the floods, he gave all unfortunate victims faith to carry one. There are more than I can list here that he did for the ordinary people, he is to be remembered by generations of Chinese and people from around the world for his caring way of leading a country.
[你举周恩来这个例子吧，逻辑上有点问题。领导者有颗体贴人民心是对的，但毕竟是领导者，他们体贴群众的做法，比较切实的可能是诸如调整赋税，减轻工作时间，比如每天不能工作超过8个小时，提倡单位增加福利之类的，不是像你说的要去看望乡村的穷苦人民，这种叫下基层体验生活，并不能切实为老百姓带来实际的好处，所以说，你是站在一个普通人民的角度去看领导人，新闻联播看多了就觉得这是体贴老百姓，而领导人那个层次，他们要真正为老百姓做贡献的话，可能是决策性的。比如前段时间的农民免了个什么税，这就是做事实的领导。
所以，感觉你的例子举的有点问题，当然，这是更深层次的东西，你托福考试里这么写没什么问题，我就说一下。
另外，你那个例子的句子再琢磨琢磨吧]
The next quality is, without doubt, the professional leading skills. Just like any other job, proficiency means a lot if anyone wants to become a good leader of a country. To illustrate this point, let’s have a look into the world’s history. Under the Monarch systems in [in-àof] old times, the power to lead a country [power to lead a countryàleading power] is inherited from one generation to another, thus created quite a lot of bad leaders [bad这个词慎用，这些领导可能是不成功的，但是确不是坏的] who had no idea on [onàabout] managing something as complicated as a country.
[你这段写的不好，词汇太缺了，leading skills叫leadership，为什么不用这个词呢？大概给你改了一下：
A leader is someone who helps others do and become more than they ever thought possible. Leadership is about unlocking potential, whether individual potential or that of a group, company, or organization. It is not about telling people what to do, but inspiring them to see what they are capable of, then, helping them gets there.
后面再加你的例子]
Last but not least, a broad mind is what it required as well. In this globalizing world, if a country wants to keep up with its pace, she must has a leader who understands its rule[去看看虚拟语气的用法], and is able to accept changes. During the days of Asian’s rising in the 1960s and 1970s, many leaders showed this quality [qualityàtalent] to the world, among all of them, the former prime minister of Singapore, Lee Kuan Yew, who lead [leadàmade] his country to [to去掉] success is one of the most shining stars.
[有些词穷，accept changes，a broad mind这些说法，感觉都很不地道，给你大概改了一下：
Change is one of life's most obvious factors, yet remains one of the most strongly resisted. Everything is in motion, continually changing, forever adapting. Effective leaders recognize the value of change. Yet all too often, it's much more comfortable to ignore the inevitability of change and to keep things the way they've always been. Changes need to be anticipated and responded to if growth is going to continue. And that applies to minor changes, as well as major ones. ]
I believe that there are more qualities required to be a good leader of a country, however, the above ones are, in my opinion, are the most important one. [前后矛盾，你自己看看吧]
[你的结尾和开头都一个毛病，太仓促了，大概给你丰富了一下：
There are more qualities required to be a good leader such as extraordinary encouragers, strong organizers, good persuaders, or charismatic speakers. When it comes down to it, how we lead is a reflection of the characteristics and values that define who we are. Life revolves itself principally into what we do and what we are, the former largely controlled by the latter.]
