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提供 PS/motivation letter 修改,请把文书贴在帖子里,不要用附件

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lunarflower   发表于 2009-3-18 18:39:34 | 显示全部楼层 | 阅读模式 | 跳转到指定楼层
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楼主,新年好,我本科英语,自己申请商务类,自己弄的  ps ,  请帮我看下,谢谢。: {/ I+ y4 H7 ?. F$ {* I* d
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During my7 years of international sales manager, I did good job with all kinds of distributors and made a lot of friends, was kind of success in some way . Sometimes, when I decided to train my team for precise business practice , I felt that I lacked some professional knowledge for business management only rely on my experience is far from enough . I know that I need further study ." z  Y% O# _6 T3 A9 Q
Also, New technology involving networking information and automation influences the behaviour of business and enables significant transformation. This need to maximize efficiency and effectiveness in such a competitive age is increasingly crucial to the success of a business. This is why I decide to deeply study Business Management in the international enviremonment ) T+ m; O+ Y2 w- }

( P5 n) q  I9 G1 y# s8 Y, UQualification:
/ ~5 n8 c! K" p1)Strong Learning ability : coming from countryside ,my foundation is not very strong compared with other classmates in the university ,  however ,my performance in university is better and better with years on . Listening is only 70 in semester 1 , while get 88 scores  in semester 4 ; writing is only 79 in semester 3 , while get 98 in semester 6 . I believe I will make great progress while studying in your university with my hard work and the desire to my dream.
/ V) a9 z1 n! w; X. R( t2 J2)Communication and interpersonal abilities: during my 7 years international sales experience , I proposed many good marketing strategy to potential clients, guide  them to accept company products , then grow from general distributor to exclusive distributor . I kept enjoy good relationship from partner, receive gifts from them and enjoy very feedback from partners. I went to Thailand,  and Indonesia market to held product seminar with local doctors, distributors. Proper advice and good communication skills make these activities very successful.   Z9 a  f6 R! N$ i
3) initiative, and supervisory skills and team working abilities: I followed directions in a thorough and detailed manner and also worked independently ,got fine impressive from boss of the last two company ,which can see from the honors from the two company,  I help promote company products a lot . My personality and strong communications skills enabled me to interact effectively with clients and staff, both local and overseas.9 y" D/ c7 B- u! P6 p" `
Like many girls I like singing, reading, and studying languages; I also have my own peculiar hobbies: calligraphy, volleyball, and traveling. Practicing calligraphy helps me calm down whatever has happened and thinks rationally. I like volleyball in that it can develop my abilities in thinking the problems through independently and solving them. What is more, it has shown me the importance of teamwork. Traveling builds my body and widens my horizons, thus helping to cultivate a habit of overcoming difficulties.  
3 N- ]% V4 S( u' l) gFurthermore, your university is home to students from more than 100 countries, which will offer me opportunities to become acquainted with diversified cultures that will broaden my perspectives. As your university encourages students to conduct interdisciplinary studies as well as awards students with joint degrees, I believe your program perfectly aligns with my interest. Through your program, I intend to study the theories and practical applications relevant to the field of business management.
% D( S" p4 M& j- i     I would greatly appreciate it if you could give favorable consideration to my application for acceptance. ) c5 Z) b* v. J0 z
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发表于 2016-2-18 11:31:58 | 显示全部楼层

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怎么楼主还不来呢 ?
发表于 2016-2-25 17:16:56 | 显示全部楼层

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irena2016 发表于 2016-2-25 19:16
+ J8 g# }" D$ \7 O  H怎么楼主还不来呢 ?

- s3 a+ J( ^! H/ Q& X& f0 A$ E来啦,不着急的话,下周一改完。. B5 w- v3 x, V) j; h( e) t
发表于 2016-2-25 22:18:07 | 显示全部楼层

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好的,慢慢来, 不急,先谢谢啦 !
发表于 2016-2-26 16:35:23 | 显示全部楼层

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irena2016 发表于 2016-2-18 13:31; D, z! H3 R6 @2 `1 k4 ^, O
楼主,新年好,我本科英语,自己申请商务类,自己弄的  ps ,  请帮我看下,谢谢。
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0 T2 o- V1 V" o. FDuring my7 years of ...

( j3 d( g8 o& f4 S- O8 i6 S3 W你好Irena2016,
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我看过了你的PS,总体感觉你很喜欢也很适合自己的工作,但是现在写的不是很具体,信息点也比较零散。你可以试着把自己描绘成一个不断学习进取、并通过自己的努力获得一定成就的人,现在想给自己充电获得更好的发展。
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首先你进入大学的时候,尽管基础没有其他的学生好(可以稍加说明什么地方落后,比如与城市相比没有很好的老师及设备条件来学习英语),但是通过几个学期的努力,你的多门课程成绩均得到明显的提高。# W- q" A3 Z7 E0 |3 [

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然后你可以谈谈自己的职业发展,比如你从本科英语毕业到国际营销经理,中间7年时间,你是如何培养自己的商业技巧的(如何管理团队和客户、如何针对海外市场设定营销策略etc)你的成就是什么;你遇到了哪些困难,让你觉得单纯依靠经验已经不能满足职业的需求,你可以提1-2个自己经历过的事情并分析一下,我觉得单纯说 "I felt that I lacked some professional knowledge... I know that I need further study"还不够具体。3 I! `) M  J& f- p5 k3 q
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# N8 `+ V! ]6 [0 {) d" f/ R$ [最后是新技术的应用,有哪些新的技术你比较感兴趣?我不是特别理解你在PS里说的networking information, automation, transformation指哪些,可能你还需要解释一下。7 I/ c& [" A2 C/ B4 W
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希望能帮到你,加油!
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; q5 A$ k& `3 c( j3 pDuring my7 years of international sales manager, I did good job with all kinds of distributors and made a lot of friends, was kind of success in some way . Sometimes, when I decided to train my team for precise business practice , I felt that I lacked some professional knowledge for business management only rely on my experience is far from enough . I know that I need further study . (can you give an example?)
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Also, New technology involving networking information and automation influences the behaviour of business and enables significant transformation. (what do you mean by "networking information", "automation", "transformation" and how can they help in business?) This need to maximize efficiency and effectiveness in such a competitive age is increasingly crucial to the success of a business. This is why I decide to deeply study Business Management in the international enviremonment 7 k! Q- T8 D# w
0 J# Z, S0 g0 \0 q7 S$ A' R: I5 \/ `2 h9 }7 N: u2 M, W9 a
5 D' k# `$ L7 [: f/ ?8 NQualification:! e/ W! O+ ]0 D' `
1)Strong Learning ability : coming from countryside ,my foundation is not very strong compared with other classmates in the university ,  however ,my performance in university is better and better with years on . Listening is only 70 in semester 1 , while get 88 scores  in semester 4 ; writing is only 79 in semester 3 , while get 98 in semester 6 . I believe I will make great progress while studying in your university with my hard work and the desire to my dream. + g; n# z7 P2 U* R- J- {( _. m
  t( z; f  G( D# P6 p/ B3 U# c2)Communication and interpersonal abilities: during my 7 years international sales experience , I proposed many good marketing strategy to potential clients, guide  them to accept company products , then grow from general distributor to exclusive distributor . I kept enjoy good relationship from partner, receive gifts from them and enjoy very feedback from partners. I went to Thailand,  and Indonesia market to held product seminar with local doctors, distributors. Proper advice and good communication skills make these activities very successful.
9 K) h+ O1 R. i' K& P! K3) initiative, and supervisory skills and team working abilities: I followed directions in a thorough and detailed manner and also worked independently ,got fine impressive from boss of the last two company ,which can see from the honors from the two company,  I help promote company products a lot . My personality and strong communications skills enabled me to interact effectively with clients and staff, both local and overseas.# X2 r' j3 G# O; W) {- D6 T- K6 L; ]
Like many girls I like singing, reading, and studying languages; I also have my own peculiar hobbies: calligraphy, volleyball, and traveling. Practicing calligraphy helps me calm down whatever has happened and thinks rationally. I like volleyball in that it can develop my abilities in thinking the problems through independently and solving them. What is more, it has shown me the importance of teamwork. Traveling builds my body and widens my horizons, thus helping to cultivate a habit of overcoming difficulties.  , {5 z4 D% C! |
Furthermore, your university is home to students from more than 100 countries, which will offer me opportunities to become acquainted with diversified cultures that will broaden my perspectives. As your university encourages students to conduct interdisciplinary studies as well as awards students with joint degrees, I believe your program perfectly aligns with my interest. Through your program, I intend to study the theories and practical applications relevant to the field of business management. 1 g) o$ K! F3 G5 p2 A9 E% S
9 X6 H. ~- q2 y4 ~+ A) D* @     I would greatly appreciate it if you could give favorable consideration to my application for acceptance. 7 u/ c! [0 O7 s# z) w
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发表于 2016-3-1 00:23:13 | 显示全部楼层

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特地登录来感谢, 祝福楼主一切都好!
发表于 2016-3-2 16:00:58 | 显示全部楼层

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您好,楼主。) V; K* B" B- ?  I5 J

' _0 D; Y  A! i( n% u# k! N麻烦帮忙修改一下我的ps。 工作8年,本科英语,航空领域,工作主要内容是数据分析,现在想要换it专业,想请你着重帮忙梳理下逻辑表达的合理性和措辞,谢谢!% r) e8 q0 m0 I  ?3 U

$ u; M8 Z; F0 g1 KPersonal Statement3 B9 y: h3 Y' Q

3 A( W3 s( P: n2 B) mSince I graduate in 2008, I have been working in the Airlines for almost 8 years over half of which I dealt with data and reports. With the time goes, I found myself get stuck by the bottle neck, especially the recent two years. I looked into myself and concluded two reasons that limit me. On one hand, as I have been working on cases one after another, I don’t have enough time to organize my knowledge in a systematic way. Although I am good in my professions, there are still analytical method and theory that I need to learn thoroughly. On the other hand, some objective factor affects. The data system constructed by the company cannot meet the requirement of analysis. What is worse is that due to the lack of IT knowledge, the communication with the program developers often frustrated. I have to input a lot of energy to finish those should be done by the system in the first place. I recognize that due to the lack of theoretical study and IT knowledge my development gets stuck.
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$ |  K& B% d8 s; y) k' rTherefore I begin to consider how to make up the weakness and the rest of my career path. It is an ideal option to return to school to learn new knowledge as well as to systemize my knowledge and experience. I tried to find the course and school that fit me and finally I made the choice between MBA and Master of Information Technology. Business trains people how to evaluate business model and manage an enterprise, while Information technology provides not only logical thinking but also the technology that can facilitate modern business and management. Thus I prefer to become a technical profession with business mindset than to become a pure professional manager. UTS is young and dynamic with highest performing among universities under 50 years of age in Australia. Its graduates have a good employment rate and considerable average salary, especially the students from the faculty of Engineering and Information Technology. I choose the specific Master of Information Technology instead of other alternatives is because it provides a major choice called Data Analytics which including Advanced Database, Business Intelligence Modelling and Analysis and Business Intelligence for Decision Support and etc. And a very up-to-date subject Cloud Computing and Software as a Service is also provided. Besides fundamental subjects that have cover information system, software development, database and so on will also provide me the insight of IT industry. These will improve my analysis skill and update my knowledge about information technology. After I master them I could better utilize the data, produce more valuable reports and communicate with developers more efficiently. Perhaps I can develop data analyzing tools on my own. ) T0 |+ T3 `: x2 U/ ~3 `& U; L
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Few years ago, Jack Ma’s Alibaba Group went public in the US and Jack Ma became the richest person in China at the time. The success of Alibaba is the success of the information technology. There is no double about that information technology is the productive force in the foreseeable future.
+ S0 G( H. `* @; F* [9 h  SI am not Jack Ma, but we have something in common. We are both English major in university and stepped into an area that irrelevant to our academic background. Though I did not make such a huge success, I gained recognition and respect from my colleagues. That is all because I enjoy learning new skills and taking challenge. At the beginning of my career year, I spent 3 month to finish learning an IATA General Tariff Rule (500 pages all written by English), which 99% of the staffs in our company never finished. In order to know better how the business runs, I spent 2 weeks to learn the ticketing system. As to enhance my analytical ability, I learnt the Statistics and basic use of database myself. I am experienced now and I still keep on learning new knowledge like data visualization, data mining and so on. And I enjoy the fulfillment from the challenge, last year I am in charge of a sales project which is not relevant to my current job area. But I picked up new things quickly and finished a sales amount of 26 million in 15 days. My success experience from an English major student to an aviation profession has shown that I am capable to receive challenges and my attitude and ability to study contribute to my success. , ^4 @6 C) H, m( B1 Y7 }

' P! ~4 S4 D$ P4 z$ SAs I have mentioned before, the information technology definitely is the productive force and Internet has become an extremely hot industry in China. We witness a lot of success in those technology driven companies. In the coming years data mining and cloud service will become a new tipping point of the economy. Personally, I am so bullish an Internet company called Baidu (a Chinese version Google). Two years ago they set up a new business unit Baidu Trend (trends.baidu.com). It contains data products and provides advisory services in all walks of life. After I finish my study I want to join that company and become one of those analytical professionals. It always makes people proud when your research contributes to other people’s business and meanwhile you also make a considerable income out of it.
发表于 2016-4-9 16:47:04 | 显示全部楼层

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楼主姐姐现在还在帮忙改文书吗~
发表于 2016-5-28 15:45:13 | 显示全部楼层

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lunarflower 发表于 2014-10-29 23:09
7 ]" o; i; |& d你好caser1993,+ H, A' q, Z6 W
去银行工作是UCL MSc Economics专业毕业后的一个出路,学校的网 站上列出了可能的职业 ...
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版主,非常感谢您的用心回复与建议,因为平时不怎么上论坛,这个号在申请之后密码一度忘记了。所以很抱现在才向您表示感谢!, z; A7 W" w: C6 U3 @/ S
发表于 2016-7-22 11:35:00 | 显示全部楼层

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caser1993 发表于 2016-7-22 13:35" Y3 l& }, z2 N5 Q* a7 a, W: T& f
版主,非常感谢您的用心回复与建议,因为平时不怎么上论坛,这个号在申请之后密码一度忘记了。所以很抱现 ...

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发表于 2016-10-26 02:39:54 | 显示全部楼层

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  Motivation letter.
Hello
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I am a student in Turin polytechnic university. I study electronic and communication engineering , I am really interested in embedded  system about master of science in  information technology .
I got 3-year Italian Piemonte edisu scholarship,have internship about  big data in company ,I also took part in  some projects。

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At the first year in Turin polytechnic University ,for us engineering students, what we studied is the same.I was studying automative engineering. But after studying the basic course :computer science, I felt  that coding is a kind of art, I also studied some ICT technology by myself because I was attracted by it .thus I transfer my major from automative engineering to electronic engineering, which contains both software knowledge and hardware knowledge ,let me have more directions to be chosen in the graduate course although my seniors said it is the hardest  course in our university.

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Later I found big data can do a lot of things. Every aspect of life can produce value through the analysis of big data. thus I used my time to study  some new technology about stream about artificial intelligence and big data, got internship offers. After taking part in the projects I understood better about that, thus I hope that I could get chance of continuing studying it in the future.
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I did an intelligent project with my classmates  in university ,it is not compulsory subject but I am interested  in it thus I chose it. We. A complete project, an intelligent plant which has multiple  prop**ies and is able to do some nice human-computer interactions, is designed and implemented by us.
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发表于 2018-11-4 23:23:57 | 显示全部楼层

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感谢楼主 自己真不知道怎么改了
发表于 2018-11-4 23:25:12 | 显示全部楼层

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